Screaming, yelling, and fighting.
Imagine waking up in the morning to the sound of your parents fighting. Not just arguing, but screaming, shouting, and maybe even throwing things.
Not sure what’s going on, you stumble downstairs to find out what’s wrong. Peering over the staircase, you can barely make out what your parents are saying. But you know whatever is going on must be serious. Afraid you might be in trouble yourself, you decide to skip breakfast and hide out in your room.
Being the Child of an Alcoholic
Children of alcoholics live in a strange reality. One minute everything is calm and serene. Then suddenly, without warning, a crisis erupts in their living room. The endless cycle of drama and pseudo-resolution may even continue into adulthood.
If you or a loved one is the child of an alcoholic, you're not alone. Almost 28 million children in the U.S. are currently living with an alcoholic parent.
While we can't change the past, learning from it can help us reshape our future. Read on to learn more about the personality traits that are common among children from alcoholic households.
Tips for Children of Alcoholics
Before you start reviewing the ways alcoholism impacts children, you’ll want to prepare yourself for what you might be feeling.
It's normal for survivors of alcoholism to want to defend their parents, especially given the ways that alcoholism has shaped their lives. It's also natural to feel anger, sadness, and even guilt.
We suggest that you write down any negative judgments that arise, whether they are against yourself or another individual, as you learn about the damage alcohol can cause. Research shows that writing down how you feel helps you process your feelings. You don't have to read them, just write them down to get them out of your head.
Once you’re in the right headspace, you're ready to begin looking at some of the darkest parts of alcoholism and the way you or another child might react to them.
1. Children of Alcoholics Expect Excitement
Constant crises and daily dramas can cause children of alcoholics to expect life to be tense. This is because their experience has shown them that anything can go wrong, at any time. As they grow familiar with feelings of panic or fear, they start to expect them all the time.
Usually, when we think of something as exciting, we think of it as fun. However, this type of excitement refers to a more scary feeling stemming from fear.
Rather than feeling joyfully excited, children of alcoholics often feel fearfully excited.
Then, once they become adults, their minds stay stuck in crisis mode. This chaotic outlook on life usually continues in their own lives until they unlearn it.
2. Children of Alcoholics Often Experience Insecure Attachment
During early childhood, it's important for kids to feel secure. It's during this time of their life that the groundwork is being laid for how they will function as adults.
Insecure attachment is one consequence of an unstable, alcoholic household. It is often characterized by the need for things to be surprising or different. However, things don't necessarily have to be exciting (scary or adrenaline-fueled) for an insecure attachment to form in children of alcoholics.
Children of alcoholics may feel that a crisis must always be present in their lives because it is all they have ever known to be true. For instance, adult children of alcoholics might seek out unstable relationships, jobs, and financial situations.
This is because people who struggle with an unhealthy attachment to instability are also prone to behaviors like self-sabotage. As fear and doubt creep in about their future, they'll feel a familiar sense of panic.
Of course, insecure attachment is subliminal behavior. In their own minds, adult children of alcoholics are doing everything possible to be happy. It just so happens that being unhappy is more comfortable and familiar.
3. Children of Alcoholics Are Susceptible to Addiction
Another problem that adult children of alcoholics face is the potential for substance abuse and addiction. The combination of genetics and experiences cause these individuals to have a higher probability of struggling with addiction than the average person.
Studies show that when a parent abuses alcohol before conception, their child is more likely to also have addiction problems. In fact, genetics can increase the risk of having addiction by 40 to 60 percent– or more, in some cases.
4. Children of Alcoholics Are Overwhelmed by Emotions
Alcoholic parents aren't as emotionally available to their children as they should be. Moreover, children may witness their alcoholic parents behaving wildly during active addiction.
While they may think, “I will never act that way,” they are unconsciously learning from their addicted parents. Many adult children experience feelings of disgust when they notice any extreme similarities between their and their addicted parents’ behavior.
Unregulated emotions and feelings of self-hatred can lead to the development of serious mental health issues, like depression. They can also cause high levels of anxiety, anger, and other negative emotions.
Dealing with Adulthood as the Child of an Alcoholic
Children of alcoholics tend to also struggle with small setbacks in their plans. This makes personal relationships and self-discipline especially challenging to maintain.
They may find themselves yelling at their partner for being a few minutes late to a date. They may overly criticize themselves for not being able to complete a personal goal. For these individuals, even being stuck in traffic can feel like a reason to hate themselves- or others.
The Addiction Treatment Services blog provides reliable information to help families recover from addiction. Knowledge and communication are the keys to healing, and being whole again.
Do you know someone who might be struggling with alcoholism? There are things you can do to help without putting yourself at risk. Check out our latest article about how to hold an alcohol intervention.